Why Weed Got Me Thinking about Permission // AMD part 1

Recently I went to Amsterdam (how did you miss my Instagram
spam? Come join the fun). It was impulsive, it wasn’t very well planned on my
part and it was bloody incredible.
In Amsterdam you can legally smoke weed. Naturally this
means there are hundreds and hundreds of coffeeshops (places you can basically
hotbox) and weed shops to cater for the tourists – varying in strength, taste
and appearance. The locals aren’t bothered by it; it’s like smoking a cigarette
to them. And this relaxed unbotherment (is that even a word? Whatever, I’m
going with it) got me thinking; why do we want things we do to be acknowledged?

Yes I got
philosophical about weed and it’s distribution. Hear me out.

You know when every conversation starts to feel like the one
before? Like you’re just repeating yourself and it bugs you, because it’s like
saying ‘yes I have grown up’ to a great aunt and there’s no point in it. You feel like you’re wasting air you might need
later on. It doesn’t turn into something;
it’s just talking for the sake of talking. There’s no definable light bulb
moment where everything becomes crystal clear. And then you start looking around
you at things like social media or movies or art, or even freaking McDonald’s
and you’re wondering – what’s the point in it all?
This isn’t in a suicidal way. It’s in a
feeling-the-pressure-of-life way, a wondering-what-you’re-doing sort of way. I
fee like I’m not making myself very clear right now, so lemme start over.
You know when you’re having a conversation and trip over your
words? Your tongue gets all tied up and you can feel yourself going hot as you
scramble to put yourself back on track. But you can’t, so you just become
flustered and panicky while your conversationee smiles kindly, except it feels
tight and cold instead of kind, so you kind of hate yourself a little bit for
messing up. So the conversation carries on but you don’t really pay attention,
just smile, as you start to overthink your next move or word. Yeah?
I’ve been feeling that permanently for a while now. It’s
like déjà vu for emotions on repeat as life goes on. The flustered ‘you’re so
dumb oh my god help’ mortification whenever I talk to some people, or even
think an idea out. Everything washes over me as I stay quiet, yet
simultaneously when I do talk or do something, I’m expecting it to be noted
down and added to the list of Greater Good in my life. Like it’s important,
when it’s not. At all.
 I don’t know how these two link – I feel constantly on the
defensive, a crick between my shoulder blades making me hunch over, becoming
smaller, quieter.
So seeing how relaxed people were in Amsterdam over weed,
while passing shops selling weed emblazed objects and clothing, the ‘smokes
weed once’ starter packs for better description, I couldn’t help but wonder. Why do people have to take note of our
lives?
Even writing this, there’s a voice in my head saying ‘noooo
shut up, this is pointless drivel’. Maybe it’s just an overextended
existential crisis since turning 20. Maybe I’m turning into a cynic. Maybe
Kendall Jenner is the next supermodel of our generation, and maybe Gigi Hadid
and Zayn Maliks spread in Vogue magazine is iconic. No actually, scratch that last part. It’s not and she isn’t. Soz not
soz.
I feel like I’m rambling, but that’s kind of the point of
this piece (fun fact: the first draft ((I usually only write first drafts)) was
written on a series of napkins at my work behind the bar). Who cares if I’m
rambling? Why do I feel everything I do or say has to be important or
noteworthy? Why do I feel this insistent pressure that everything has to add up
to some thing big, even the smallest
things most people overlook. Why do I feel
the need to ask or wait for permission to do things?


 It’s like everything has to
add up to lead somewhere. Everything
has to be noted down, ticked off a list and MEAN something. Otherwise it’s all
a waste.

And that terrifies me, the idea of wasting any and every
scrap of my time. I’m the girl who can’t stand wasting her time; I will
multitask like no other just to cram as much into my day as possible. I’m the
girl who will go on dates on the down low, feeling no need to tell my friends
because I think it will go nowhere. I won’t finish books because I don’t like
how they might finish. I’m the girl who cant stand the idea of a knight in
shining amour, yet will call him when I can’t sleep.

It all has to mean
something, it really does. Otherwise I’m just a newly 20 year old wasting her
time and feeling as much of a failure as she did at 5 years old.

No one cares if you smoke weed in Amsterdam, just like no
one cares all that much what you do. But I want someone to care, for someone to
clap me on the back and say ‘you’re doing it, everything’s fine’.  And I do have people contact me, come up to
me in person and say they love what I’m doing, which seriously brightens my
day. It really does. I just feel this increasing pressure to do more and do
better; writing this down makes me think of primary school and being given back
corrected work, red ink littering the pages as I felt my stomach drop in shame.
I feel that shame right now, because I’m being vulnerable
and that’s always hard for us, but right now I feel both needy and fed up all
at once. I sometimes even get tangled up in myself I just feel like AHHHHHHH
FUCK THIS BLAH BLAH BLAH WHATEVER AHHHHHHH to ABSOLUTLEY NO ONE. No one has upset me or harmed me, I’m just fed
up and my skin is itching for bigger things. Do you know that mood?
There’s a level of guilt for wanting more, wanting to be
noticed or understood that makes us feel like a clichéd teenager with badly
dyed dark hair and a questionable piercing. It feels like small things I do are
boring, even if it’s time to hang at the pub or a coffee shop with friends,
because it takes me away from doing something that could make my life better.
Being in Amsterdam, I could only hang with friends in various coffee shops (or
coffeeshops, I mean it is Amsterdam)
or bars, because that’s what we would do. Or go for walks chatting like crazy
over pointless stuff, which felt… nice. Calm.  Like the rabbiting of my heart took time off
for once in the past 6 months from all the crap that’s been going on in my
life; having to travel like a madman, getting through mountains of coursework,
losing my grandfather, turning 20, running back and forth between a town and a
city because I have two totally different lives and one has to crash and burn
for the other to flourish. I just can’t decide which one.
I started to think about permission; why is there a part of
me that needs it? And if so, why is it when I get complimented on my efforts on
something, do I then start to put less effort into it? Do I still feel guilty
for being ambitious and wanting more, when I know I deserve more?

Am I doubting my own self worth?

Right now I have no clear-cut answer; I feel like a walking
clichéd of a 20 something student. But who cares about clichés? It just means
more people have walked the same road and there’s nothing wrong with that. We
all want to get to our destination in some way, so why not take the road most
travelled?
So here’s to not knowing our own solutions but carrying on
anyways. Here’s to travelling and good company and itches under skin. Here’s to
doing whatever we need to get to where we want to go, no matter how foolish it
may seem to others. And here’s to being ambitious, even if we don’t know where
it may lead us.
I hope you’ve had a wonderful weekend you lovely people.
All the love,

Lou x

Want to send an email? Contact louisenicoleramsay@gmail.com
Twitter; @LouiseRamsay_
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2 Responses to Why Weed Got Me Thinking about Permission // AMD part 1

  1. Jesska says:

    THERE IS SO MUCH GOING ON IN THIS POST. I can absolutely relate, but I wouldn't even be able to express in words what I'm relating to! It's just that feeling of absolute frustration because there's too much to do and too much choice and trying to make every decision count as worth it. I can't remember where I read it because it was absolutely ages ago but it was about a girl who wanted to do a million things at once and wasn't happy with how much she had achieved, until her professor told her she's 'probably going to live for a very long, long time'. And that made me realise I COULD slow down a bit and sometimes just keeping your head above water is an achievement! Maybe we need to self-impose ourselves in a pretend Amsterdam and make sure we spend some time simply chilling with absolutely no guilt about not doing something worthwile. Maybe chilling is worthwhile if it allows us to reset! Looking forward to reading future posts! xxxx

    Jesska – Opal Soul

    • louramsay says:

      YES! You've really managed to put this emotion into the words I couldn't articulate. It's like a cycle you're going through every week, every day and it just doesn't S T O P.
      I'm so glad i came back to your comment, because it's really what I was needing, so thank you. Thank you for taking the time to comment xxxxx

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