Writers Don’t Always Write About The Now // On Thinking You Know

“I don’t always write the way I feel. Sometimes they are just residual feelings that show up again due to lack of closure.”

When I write, I don’t always mean the now. No writer always writes in the now, even if what they’re talking about could be happening in the now – some parts connect to the past and things they remember and stuff they wanted to say back then.  I don’t write always in the now. I write of the past, of things I remember and work through, seeing my past in a new light and coming to a new conclusion, a new lesson. Sometimes things link up, past and present BANG inspiration strikes.

My hurt is my hurt. And I can use it when and where I see fit.

I may write flowery word and speak about boys, but that doesn’t mean I’m talking about the High School Boy, because it’s been nearly three years and I’ve been with other people, I know this might be hard to understand, because I don’t have it strewn across social media the same way my clothes are across my bedroom floor. 
But I have. And I’ve loved every minute, because each time it taught me something, even if it wasn’t in an outlandish ‘coming-of-age’ style, it still mattered. Because it mattered to me, I experienced it. Me and me alone, not you who thinks you know my life from tweets you read when I don’t even know you.
I’m tired of talking of what I want and people attempting to figure out what I’m saying, decoding my words like they’re cryptic egyptian symbols, when really I met someone today and I started thinking about how he could stop the cynic in me. How he smiles down at the ground and I like that, the way he thinks before he speaks and measures out his words, and isn’t that enough? Does it have to be more? Can’t I just write about that?
And when I talk about this, I don’t mean that High School Boy I haven’t spoken to in so long, who I don’t want to speak to, because life moves on and don’t you understand that? How people move on, how life travels fast, how girls aren’t always hung up on their ex? What a vicious stereotype, to think girls are clingy on their first love, when boys snapchat you after six months talking about ‘no work tomorrow’ and frankly, what am I to do with that? Why should I care?
It’s the same way people harp about Taylor Swift and her break ups, or Malia Obama playing beer pong in college. I don’t care I don’t care, don’t you get that?

I hate being petty, my drafts on Twitter are filled with some tweets that will never surface, because anger is a moment and I don’t want to immortalise it for the world to see. But that doesn’t mean I don’t tire; tire of strangers attempting to find symbols in the words I write and feelings that aren’t present, because my hurt is in my past and they’re both mine, so I can write about and whenever I please.  You don’t control my hurt. It’s mine.
It may be easy to put things in boxes in your head, label them the ‘good’ and the ‘bad’. I get life can be difficult, I have nearly 21 years and experiences many haven’t been through, stuff I don’t want you to go through, so I get it. But at the end of the day, most of life is grey. You don’t really know everything – especially of those who don’t know you, who only know you exist because you tried to start drama, you tried to wiggle in between their words and into their brains, but didn’t you know at the time you were going the wrong way?

Please know that while I write this – I am not angry. Not at all. I’m simply passionate about this, because this quote on residue feelings and not writing in the now is what I’ve been wanting to say for so long. I fucking love that quote. I felt something shift inside me when I read it, because it’s it. Everything I have been wanting to say. To explain how I write. 

Anne Lamott has a famous quote on writing, saying

You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should’ve behaved better.”

I love this because you need to remember as a writer to be free with what you say. Never to worry about the implications, until your wrists ache and the words stare back at you. Then you figure the  rest out. 
But sometimes, both people behave badly – the writer and the writers inspiration. Both parties can be equally guilty. And the stories you read will always be biased. But just because you might upset people doesn’t mean you shouldn’t write about it. Nor should you hold your tongue around a writer in fear of what words they might say; we are still human, we’ll still fuck up. We just own that fuck up. I read a book called Becoming by Laura Jane Williams and it.is.everything. I’ve mentioned Laura’s downright amazing book before, but it’s worth mentioning again. This whole ‘claim your hurt’ thing? started with Becoming and will be right up your street.

“I don’t always write the way I feel. Sometimes they are just residual feelings that show up again due to lack of closure.”

Own your hurt. It’s yours and yours alone. No one gets to tell you how to talk about it, no one gets to be the person who gives you permission to talk about your hurt. It’s yours. ONLY yours.
Own your hurt and talk about it if you want. Talk about it for you. 
Just remember to be doing it for you.

Lou x

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4 Responses to Writers Don’t Always Write About The Now // On Thinking You Know

  1. Lauren says:

    YASS QUEEN. I love your writing, Lou. So glad you're using that Anne Lamott quote as well!

  2. Great post, I love that Anne Lamott quote!

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