every morning and I’m writing. I have a coffee in my hand, shampoo lathering in
my hair, the sun creeping up through my window. Every moment is like a 90’s
romcom playlist blaring in my head, but instead of songs it’s words. Words I
create myself, be in in a form of a poem or an investigative piece; the dots
come together and it’s a moment of pure genius. These things I’ve tossed around
my head suddenly, and vividly, make sense.
A sentence mulled over and over until it loses
meaning. A phrase at first so delicious and perfect, becomes stale and
dismissive. The lust becomes lacklustre. The chase ends at a disappointing
writing scares me, for reasons I haven’t quite grasped yet. I think of the
weight in each word as I put them out into the world, thinking “is this the
right way? Could I say this better? Does it even make sense?” I fear expressing
myself wrong, wondering exactly how writers manage to make things just so, finding the most suitable phrase
without rambling. How they condense. How they don’t get scared on people not getting it.
I’m not physically writing, pen on paper or fingertips on keyboard, I’m
writing. I’m always writing; scribbling words out in my head, drawing lines
through sentences. It happens most when I do the mundane tasks, like cleaning or
being at work. By having my body busy, my mind has time to process fully and
luxuriously what it’s been desperate to do. It increases by tenfold when I have
someone as a muse, writing phrases I never once understood but then I do. When
I think of them, it all makes sense, be it a romantic or a platonic
relationship, it all makes sense. Tossing ideas back and forth before chucking
them overboard. Sometimes I write and write, letting it flow. After I feel elated,
I couldn’t be happier. But then I stop.
doing the things I’ve only just spoken about in my writing, as if immortalising
these habits kills them off. The gears stop. I don’t know why. It seems as
though the more I confess, the more lost I become. I cannot find salvation in my words, for I’ve given them over to
someone else. They’re no longer mine, but something that can be read on a
screen around the world, picked apart and ridiculed. Something that can be used
against me, or something which creates a division between me and a partner. And
it does. They dig. Find out more than they should. And I’m the one who loses,
because sometimes people cannot really understand the need to have a space in
this online world for only yourself. And this is where it becomes tricky.
when I think about something I desperately want to happen, I imagine a person
maybe or an event, every conceivable thing happens to stop the one thing I want
from happening. I stop liking the person as soon as I see they again, even
though my heart tells me how much I miss them. I pass over an event which could
lead me into the event I want to experience. The dreams I dreamt up shatter
before my eyes. The lust is lost. The desire dissipates. Is the Universe
playing a big YOU THOUGHT on me, rising my hopes so high? Does the consistent
let down make the words stop being how they were?
I cannot find salvation in my words, for I’ve
given them over to someone else.
adore the connecting on the Internet. I’ve met some very special people through
Twitter, as well as strengthening my relationships with people physically in my
life through social media. I love my life, the people I share it with, those
who make me laugh more than possible so I’ve just got to share that happiness. I want everyone to see. I want to say ‘look!
Look and how funny and fantastic this person is! Appreciate them! Because I don’t
think my appreciation is enough, because they are so bloody great.’ I will snapchat silly moments with friends, I’ll
take videos of those I care for, because I’ll be sitting down one day and it
will all feel more difficult than I thought possible. Those moments of
happiness, of simple silliness help ease the pressure off my chest when it
feels a little harder to breath, to think, to focus.
the confessional nature of my writing; I use my words to connect to people, to
show how we all feel the same at some point, even if it feels like we don’t. I’ve
yet to implement a strong enough filter, to grappled with who is my confidants
and who is my audience. At this time, it feels as though the World is walking
on Her tip toes around broken glass. She feels so fragile, like there are
splinters across Her happening we don’t fully comprehend. And that’s a reason I
struggle with writing, because there’s SO MUCH out there. So much. Every time I
click on my Twitter feed it feels as though I’m being swept away by the news,
by the fears and the panic. I don’t want to add to it sometimes, I can admit
that. Why add onto this fragile system, of panic and worry piled on top of each
other like Jenga blocks?
the solution to this? I dig deeper. I
find out what exactly it is I want to say, I edit, I create my art primarily
for myself. I get back to my roots and I
centre myself there.
is over, because I’m saying it so. I believe this to be a new Era. Let it be